Tug at the Heartstrings

**I meant to post this on Sunday but forgot to actually hit 'publish.' So just pretend you are reading it on a Sunday and the last night reference is to Saturday.**

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I've witnessed a few tender moments between families and couples in the last few weeks that have  tugged at the heartstrings.

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Prior to Wurstfest a few weeks ago, I joined my brother and sister-in-law at her parents' house in New Braunfels. We all went to the backyard to hang out and enjoy the nice weather. Paige's mom was pushing the twinsies around the yard in their double stroller. Her dad was hitting golf balls with his grandson (Paige's sister's son) and his other daughter's boyfriend on his pitch and putt green. Watching these interactions choked me up a bit.

I don't have a relationship with any grandparents. I never met my dad's parents... don't know anything about them. I wish I did, but with my dad gone, I won't ever have that chance. They probably aren't even alive anymore, as my dad was a bit older. My mom's dad died right before I was born. I'm super sad that I never got to meet him. My mom loved him so much and was a complete daddy's girl (from the stories I've heard). She misses him oh so much. My mom's mom is still alive, but she and I aren't close. My brothers and older cousin all spent a lot of time with her, but for some reason I didn't. I don't really have any stories of her. As she gets older and a little bit more kooky, it saddens me to realize that she will soon be gone and that will be another grandparent that I didn't know. 

Then of course there was that saddening feeling of knowing that I will never share a moment with my dad and future boyfriend/husband. There was nothing important going on, no big event... just a man sharing a moment with his grandson and his daughter's boyfriend. And yet there was something so special about it. And it took all I had to hold the tears back. Losing a parent at a young age is hard, but it actually gets harder as the years go by. It was difficult celebrating milestones without my dad; it will be even harder celebrating those bigger moments without him. But the every day, casual encounters like I witnessed in the backyard that afternoon - those are the hardest.

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Yesterday I hosted the bus for work to the Baylor game. On the way back, I looked up and saw a young couple sitting a few rows in front of me. They were looking at the guy's ipad, so I could see their expressions from the light. The girl had her arm draped around the guy's shoulders, casually running her fingers along his arm. They laughed together, smiled together, shared a tender kiss on the cheek and forehead. Maybe they were in love, maybe they just recently started dating - but you could tell they were smitten with each other. I couldn't help but smile. 

It's been a long time since I was last in love. I've forgotten how it feels. I was recently smitten with someone, but he's gone, and with each day that passes, my smittenness (so not a word, but is for this post) decreases. Which is okay because he and I are still friends and hopefully will be for a long time.

But I digress.

I want to have tender moments like those of that couple last night. I want to be in a relationship. But at the same time, I'm not in any rush to be in one - if that makes any sense at all. I'm enjoying hanging out with friends, am super busy with work, and am just taking each day as it comes. And I'm okay with my time alone... most of the time. If someone comes along, that's great... but I really don't care to actively search for anyone at this time. 

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Blah... I hate emotions.