Who I Was is Who I Want to Be Again

Reverb 10

December 17: Lesson Learned

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this year?

And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
(Author: Tara Weaver)

*****

From an early age, I learned how to be independent. When we lived in Skidmore, my mom worked and took night classes in Corpus (about an hour away). My brothers, who are 6, 7 and 10 years older than me, were involved in every sport our school offered. I was only in elementary school, but I had a house key and would take the bus or walk (once we moved closer to the school) home.

After the last brother graduated from high school, I was about to start middle school. My mom decided to move into Corpus, or really just outside of it, so that I could go to a better school and we could be closer to her work. My mom married my stepdad, who lived out at the lake (about 30ish minutes from where we just moved) in a house he built. My mom split her time between the lake house and our apartment in town. A lot of times I was at the apartment by myself. I tried moving out to the lake, but because of my sports schedule, it wasn't a good idea. Waking up at 5:30 a.m. every morning so that I could get to my 6:30 a.m. volleyball and basketball practices was no bueno. And then not getting home until late when I had games.

When I got to high school, we moved into a smaller apartment (the first one was 3 bedrooms - my mom's, mine, and an extra in case one of my brother's needed a place to stay). My entire high school years were spent living alone. My mom would stay on a random night if she had a late work meeting/event or if one of my games ended late. But for the most part, I lived alone. I remember coming home after homecoming, prom and graduation to an empty apartment. I remember going on my first date - the guy came up to the door and said, "don't I need to meet your parents and let them know I'll bring you back on time." Ha. There was nobody there when I left or came home.

But I was fine with this. Yes, it was lonely. But I always felt like I grew up a bit faster than my friends. I prided myself on being an independent person.

And then I don't know what happened. Somewhere a long the way, I lost my independence.

*****

This year was a reminder of the person I used to be, the person I want to be. I enjoy my independence. FYI: independence does not equal being alone. No, I don't always like being alone. There are days that I come home and just wish there was someone here to ask me how my day was. But to me, being independent is a feeling of doing whatever I want, when I want. (For this post, I'm focusing my definition of independent on this only. I'm not touching on finances and all the other things that are encompassed in being independent.)

I know this is going to sound horrible, but pet owners will understand. I would give anything to have Gigi back. I miss her so much. But this year I was able to do something I hadn't done in three years - I was able to wake up and go. I didn't have to worry about getting home to let her out to use the bathroom or finding a place for her to stay if I wanted to go out of town. And it felt good to have some freedom after having a routine for three years. I feel bad for saying that; sheesh, I'm actually crying now because I feel like a horrible person. I would seriously give anything to have her back, but I know I can't. And I know that it's not horrible of me to embrace the opportunity that I now have to be more spontaneous. But still, I feel like a shitty person for that thought.

*pause - I really am crying... I need a break for a second*

Mmkay, that was an emotional few minutes that I wasn't prepared for tonight.

I mentioned in my Wisdom post that going on vacation was my wisest decision this year. While taking the train from NYC to Harrisburg, I had about 3ish hours to contemplate a lot of things. I realized I still have that independence in me. I started making a list of other places I want to travel. Of course I will welcome any and all travel companions. I think I've narrowed it down, and I want to go to one of these cities in 2011: Boston, Chicago, San Francisco, San Diego. I'm leaning towards Chicago, but we'll see.